Woke up at 8.30am. No presents at the end
of my bed.
Avoided the Leek until breakfast, which was
a fish the size of my left glute, nothing wrong with that as such except being a
fucking strange breakfast.
Then took her to daily piano practice at a
music shop (her mother is that anal) and sat for an hour listening to the same
two-line melody. Did I say it was for an hour? Because it was.
All of a sudden it was revealed we were
leaving granny’s and staying at a hotel for the night so I had to pack my shit
at lightning speed whilst everyone waited like I was some moron who should but
doesn't know everything, and bundled the Leek's xmas present in communist
newspaper. With no sellotape or other adhesive.
Drove to the Shangri-La Hotel, top tourist
resort of Sanya, China’s Hawaii, and discovered to my trepidation that all
seven of us were sharing a twin room. Presents were unwrapped, mine being the most obscene pair of sandals that looked like they were made on Art Attack,
along with the promise of some red wine in the evening. Then the Leek had an
excitement seizure on seeing the outside waterpark, which made my eyes bleed.
We were obliged to go and it was just as I
had foretold: effing cold. Christmas day shivering knee deep in chlorine with
screaming kids racing down water chutes. Then we spent about three hours in a sandpit
using our knickers as a sieve. If there’s anything worse than a sendimented
vagina, on Christmas Day, please do inform me now.
 |
| Forcible participation |
Finally, all you can eat Christmas dinner.
Which is amazing!... if you’re not phobic of food, and the turkey isn't the
rubberiest of your whole life and the Christmas pudding isn't constipated
sadness. The only redeeming feature was the coconut-scented mashed potato, and that
at the end I had that festive overindulged bloated-corpse feeling. A corpse who
is afterwards dragged to the ball pit and made to hobble a three-legged race
with a douchey child wearing a magenta Young Versace twopiece.
Oh and the red wine I was promised? That
never happened.
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